Each day we wait until about 10 am to find out what Madeline's blood counts are and see if her bone marrow is producing enough neutrophils to allow her to go home. You cannot imagine how much we all want to be home. We think about it all of the time. It doesn't help. It's actually better just to get in the zone and practice diversions. The saying, "it's not the destination, it's the journey" comes to mind. It's a journey that we did/do not want to take, probably similar to some soldiers in Iraq. We are at war, and we have a battle to fight.
It's toughest for Madeline on so many different levels. I can go home, and so can Trey and so can Julia, and so can all of her visitors and doctors and nurses and staff. But Madeline can't. Madeline says she misses her bed the most, even with the high tech hospital bed that she has, the favorite toy of many of her younger visitors. When I am at home there is a piece of me that is missing while my daughter is in the hospital. And I know there is a part of her that is missing that she left here in our home. I walk in her room and I am overcome with sadness. I want her here.
Julia and I spent Saturday and much of Sunday cleaning both of their rooms. We washed , laundered, scrubbed, and used a HEPA filtered vacuum, borrowed from a willing friend, everywhere. Cleaning helped assuage some of the pain of the situation, as if we could do something positive to promote her healing in light of the powerlessness we sometimes feel. So we are ready and now waiting for those neutrophils. Come on bone marrow, do your thing!
Bone Marrow- Do your thing!!
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I can't wait for this to be over. When there won't be a question like "When is Mady coming home?" or "When can I see her again?" or "Why her? What did she every do?" wandering around in my head subconsciously 24/7. Sometimes I realize it, but I know that these thoughts are going on in my head all the time because whenever I look at "Cancer sucks" I get these little flashes of it. Sometimes they last very long, but sometimes I'm in the middle of something and they go just as quick. But they're always there I think. In the back of my head. Waiting to be triggered.
So Mady, when I say I'm thinking about you, I'm seriuos. And I'm sure it's the same with other peoples too.
~~Stephanie~~
This news is like a ray of sunshine coming thru the clouds. It tis the first thing I do is check in on Maddy each morning. We pray for that sun beam to continue growing. Checking in from Florida.
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