Worrying Constantly

Yesterday I brought Julia to the dermatologist for a skin rash/ hyper pigmentation on her knuckles after googling possibilities all weekend, and thinking that it must be a form of melanoma. Her doctor assured us it's not melanoma, but a stain from juicing limes (weird but true) followed by sun exposure. A few weeks ago I thought I lost Trey in the surf at a beach in San Diego. There I am, epitomizing The Scream in high def, and there is Trey, joyfully watching beach volleyball (more than 2 people had looked for him there). The week prior I was worried about Madeline having swine flu, or pneumonia. I bathed the house in rubbing alcohol.

Yesterday, Madeline complained about her sight, something that was a precursor to the leukemia diagnosis. I have also noticed that she seems to have lost some of her mojo, another herald, and she seems tired. I have googled relapse, and walked through all of the information. I am trying to pretend that this is not serious either. I have called Dr. Friedmann. Calmly, she said that if her sight worsens, she should see an opthamologist next week. I am trying to balance her calm words with the apocalyptic vision that is happening in my brain. I want her to be OK. I want my family to be OK.

I wish the movie My Sisters Keeper never came out. I don't want to hear about a little girl in a nonexistent scenario fighting for her right to not give her sister help. I want to see the real stories about the survivors, and the people (ornery sisters included) who gave bone marrow willingly, the ones who make life possible. I have a real story. I play soccer on a +40 women's team. One of the women knew about my daughter and mentioned that many years ago, pre children, she saw a request in her Temple bulletin about becoming a bone marrow donor. She signed up, gave a sample and was positively matched with a little girl. Years later at the girls bat Mitzvah, my friend was lauded. This girl is now in college and doing well. My friend said that giving bone marrow hurt. She had to wear skirts for 2 weeks to allow for the ice pads she put on her hips (that's where they take the bone marrow), but 2 weeks of ibuprofen and ice were easy in comparison with what the little girl went through. All of you healthy people out there, please sign up as a donor. http://www.marrow.org/

Please be OK. Please. Those are the words I write in a notebook daily. Please be OK. Please get through this ____ (LP, exam...) and be OK. It has been almost 2 years since Madeline was diagnosed. Please let her get through her protocol. Please be OK!!